07 Mar09

Topics:Arb Thoughts 

About three weeks ago I was paying attention to my twitter stream for a change and read an article by a single mother . The article was about her experience dating a chap for a year when he suddenly decided "I'm not ready to be instant an father." Not going to lie, it was a rather depressing story, but one I decided to read because I have, recently, been presented with an opportunity to get involved with a single mother.

Not a few hours later I was at a tweet up/gathering of bloggers at this horrible restaurant in Rosebank called Cranks. [N.B.: DO NOT GO THERE, bad service, food was mediocre.] After a few drinks and listening to one of the girls discussions about her date the previous evening and her concerns being highlighted regarding how her child would react to him, how will he react to the child. After a few more minutes of "me, my child, me, my child, me" statements/questions I joined the conversation.

Up unti that point, I don't think they'd really considered "What about the guy? How does he feel about becoming an instant parent." After this discussion Laura-kim decided to write up a blog post based on the discussion we had with the other single mothers. I'd threatened to put my thoughts into writing to try and help those Single Mothers understand the thought pattern of guy who is about to become an instant father, should he choose to. Also, to try help my own thinking and that of a guy who wants to start dating a single mother.

I think Laura-kim did do a good job of summarising some of the things I spoke about that night. But let me get into it with a twist of testosterone.

I as a guy have to understand how involved the father is in the child(ren - for the sake of sanity, lets just say one implies many where appropriate)'s lives. The more involved he is, the more I as the potential boyfriend have to put up/deal/like/hate/<insert potential significant other's need here> with the father. This in itself brings up a heap of things to consider. Shared custody of the child - when can I woo the woman, when can't I? Can we take holidays along or with the child? etc...

If the father isn't around and the woman is relying heavily on him to support the child - I would have to be there to support her through the emotional roller coaster of court cases, endless phonecalls and general misery in dealing with the father. How do I feel about being the only father figure for the child that isn't mine.

In the event that the father isn't around and the woman is self supporting, things become a lot easier. But! This brings up the most important thing to consider.

The child.

As Laura pointed out in her blog it is a three way relationship that you enter into. Minimum. As I said above, it becomes a tangled web when the other parent is involved. Let us not multiply that complexity with the thought of a significant other of the father, but just keep in mind how messy that could be.

In that original article I mentioned above, the woman goes on to explain how the child had bonded with the "instant dad" over the period of a year. This is something that is obviously going two ways. When you are in a relationship with the woman, things become increasingly difficult as time goes by to let go of the bond you developed with that child. If things end, do you keep on seeing the child, but what rights do you really have? Or are you going to be a cold bastard and walk away from both?

A relationship like this is not to be entered into lightly at all. One has to weigh up the options taking conasance of EVERYTHING. Are you prepared to be a father figure after knowing the mother for a few weeks/days. Is the child going to like you? How will you deal with the father? Are you selfless enough for this child? What are you willing to put up with?

For me - it is all about the phase you are at in your life. I am ready to be a husband and father but it has to be with the right woman. I am not ready to just start dating any woman who comes along, so I will be fussy. And that means, that I cannot enter the child's life until I've determined I want to be with the woman for an extended period of time (yes, I am referring to marriage). Even then, there are a new set of rules that enter into play. Bringing up the child in a way that is agreed on by the biological parents and then you bring your own ideas into the mix...  So much to talk about.

The summary is this:

• It is a whole lot of complicated.
• You (as the guy) have to commit completly.
• Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster.
• You have to take into account everyone's feelings.
• You have to know that you can handle it.
• It is not something to be entered into lightly.

For those single mothers - please understand if a guy is hesitant, it is for a reason. It isn't just for your feelings, it is for your child's aswell. Maybe he's selfish, but would you want a sefish guy hurting you upfront or in a year's time after you and the child have bonded with him.

For the guys - Do right by the mother and the child, know what you want out of it before you go down that road.

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